♥ Tuesday, December 2, 2008 @ 10:04 PM
`true self and sadness
0 Gave Some Love
this semester is REALLY something. before it started, i was hoping that everything's gonna be alright and that this will be a very memorable one. Well, the other did happened. It will be a very memorable one for me. It is better if it's the good one though; hoewever it is not. I just feel sad right now that everything seem to happen so fast. And the problems? yeah .. they really are BIG problems.
falling in love with someone you least expect it to be is really hurting. Everyday (well , of course not every minute), i've been thinking what should i do. of course, i know in my mind that i should stop this crazy thing already and quickly for it WILL hurt some people -- including me. But, i can't really fight it so much. Although, i said those things to him, making him go away and go back to her, i know deep down in my heart, i BADLY want to say him how i feel and tell him to choose me and leave her. However, i know this ain't right. It will hurt more people. Even though, i know how much i wanted him to be mine, it just can't be. Many times, i think, it would be the best for us to stay as friends, but how could i really give true friendship?
I think history just repeats itself for me, only in different situations. I always say that i'm strong and can face those problems with a smile, but then, sometimes, i really want to break down and cry and cry and cry. Always suppressing my feelings of anger or giving less attention to them, makes me a strong person in other people's view but a really WEAK being in front of myself.
At all times, i always play the role of being the older sister -- making wise decisions (almost always), the tough one, the optimistic and cheerful friend & daughter. This is the person i made of me in my high school. The person who is not easily defeated; the person who can endure all problems. This is the "made" me. I'm not plastic. All i'm saying is that, in face of the world, i have this attitude -- for my own SURVIVAL. Eventhough, sometimes, this "made mina" always get hurt and in truth, makes the wrong decisions in her life.
One thing was ehen i was bound to choose to accept the person i loved or not. Eventhough, i know in my heart that i still love him very much, i pushed him away and told him to look for someone else. I don't know the reason why i did this. Maybe i thought i could find a better one or i was afraid that he was not true , or, i chose to hid my feelings and let him be with someone better. After that, after sometime when i found him in someone else's arms, i wanted to take him back. I wanted to say how much i love him, how much i care for him but it is already TOO LATE. haha! too bad for me. poor mina. it is always like this. playing the tougher one, gives me more hurt and regrets.
i don't know how to deal with this. sometimes, i just think that may be this is how it's suppossed to be. maybe this is how i CHOSE it to be.
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